Homer: Bad Man

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?

Selma's Choice

You don't win friends with salad. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Ahoy hoy?

• Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns."
• Dad didn't leave… When he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
• This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."
• 

Life on the Fast Lane

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."

Selma's Choice

Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

1. Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems.
2. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
3. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Bart the Daredevil

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Homer no function beer well without. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.